Therapy session Number 1: Bad Habits

There have been particular instances in my life where my parents felt the need to offer some kind of therapy or counselling sessions to influence the healing of my mental health. I'm not crazy. Just a little unstable I suppose. As any considerate or concerned parent would be, I understood their fear for me, as well as my potential need for professional help. However, I really didn't like the idea that they felt that they couldn't just talk to me about it themselves. It was like they needed to put it out of their hands and into someone elses. I almost felt like they thought the weight of my actions was too great for them to handle as my parents. I even felt a bit ex-communicated in a way in that they weren't up to dealing with my problems. I know that a lot of things have changed from the problems that I've had when I was younger to the problems that I'm having now: When you're five years old, and you can't pick something up, or can't move something over, they push it for you or lift it for you. When you fall off your bike, they bandage the wounds and kiss your forehead and "everything's all better." When you drop a fork from your hi-chair, they bend to pick it up for you. When you don't have enough money to but the concert ticket your friend invited you to (New Kids on the Block), they lend you some money.

But these days... it's different. You struggle in school, they harp on you about scholarship money and suggest you get a tutor. You get into a car accident and insurance money is through the roof. You go over in your checking account and they complain that you spend too much money. You're out 5 minutes past curfew because you had to scrape ice off of your car and when you get in they say you're inconsiderate and irresponsible. I understand the concerns. I understand that money is an issue, and I understand their need to stress things on me... But other times... I feel like my desires to lash out and go against everything in my life is justified. Because everything I do today has been drilled into me. It's all I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes I get curious. I want to be adventurous. See what the fuss is about.

I'm an incredibly curious person. I know the affects of alcohol, saw what it did to people who were under the influence of it, and I know that it's illegal under 21. So why do so many people do it then? I don't know exactly... but I found out for myself. It's not all that fun, but for a person like me it makes it a lot easier for me to open up to people. For that, I'm more or less thankful for that experience. I wouldn't ever abuse albohol, drink by myself, drink when I'm depressed, or drink on a regular basis. I don't think I would ever consider getting drunk again either. It's not as much fun as just being able to loosen up around people and socialize. Granted, I could do that without the substance, but I almost feel like it forces me to be social. I'm the kind of person who restricts myself into thinking that what I have to say isn't interesting enough to put out there. I'm not the kind of person to, at a social gathering, go up and introduce myself, or engage in conversation if I don't know someone. I'm reserved, quiet, anti-social, and to be honest, overly-conscious. I do know that that's my own fault. I know that I shoudl learn to just loosen up on my own and just side table any doubts and fears that I have about being open. Alcohol just sped up the process I guess... I know the affects, the dangers, the consequences, I guess it was just one of those things that I just needed to learn on my own. And now I can say from personal experience that getting drunk really isn't worth the trouble at all.

Back to my original thought: therapy. I'm only human. I was a little curious. Daring. Everyone does that, or atleast thinks about it. My actions were wrong, and deceitful. I know this. So why do it? Why do something you KNOW is wrong? Why would anyone do something they KNOW is wrong? That...I'm not really sure. I almost felt posessed doing it too, because I remember thinking constantly, over and over again, "Abby, what are you doing? This isn't right. This isn't YOU." Why kill the angel on my shoulder and listen to the dark side? I'm not entirely sure really...

But as much as counselling might help, I've already said, and understand, that I was wrong. I understand the stresses of the situation. I'm sorry.

There have been a lot of points in my life where I really felt that something was just..,missing. Some part of my life is just incomplete. Im only 18, but there are a lot of things I feel unchallenged in, uncompelled, and lacking to some degree.

So I felt pretty restricted before all of these issues came into play, but now I think the trust aspect is down the toilet. I'm closed in...or feel like I am. I almost feel like I'm on lock down or something. It's not that extreme. There's no specific punishment into affect, but I can't go out without signing some kind of contract anymore. That was sarcasm. I understand it though. I'm not an idiot. I know that the responsibilities parents have are endless. They're always having to worry about things. So do I.

It's funny though: I have one friend that doesn't drink. One. I applaud him, but we never really get the chance to hang out much these days... I hate being busy. I hate when other people are busy.

Enough about this though. Time's up and I don't feel like spending more time on this writing session. It's already too darn expensive.