Creativity Strikes Again

I'm a very spontaneous person when it comes to crafts, or creative projects. I randomly decided to paint a mural on my wall, and it looks really good. I decided to start sewing, and I got pretty good at it. I decided I wanted to learn how to make bombs and nuclear weapons, and...well that's another story.

Today I went out and bought a lot of fabric. I'll make a lot of different things: I got some specifically to make my sister a purse. I also bought some to make myself a little carry around bag. I made it in about 2 hours and put a "Beatles" logo on it. It looks pretty good if I say so myself.

But all this makes me wonder: should I just start some kind of home business where I sell things that I make? I could do it, but it would take a lot of time, and a lot of work. Plus I only like doing this kind of thing when I'm in the mood to. Someone would fill out an order for something, and I'd reply saying, "oh ask me later. I'm not in the mood to fill that order right now..." or "ask for something different. I don't want to make that."

Heres the purse I made:





I still need to re-do the edges of the lettering so that it's more exact, but i'd say that was pretty good for only 2 hours work. I also need to add a pocket and maybe lining to thei inside. It's about 14x16'' and the straps are about 16'' from the top of the bag to the shoulder, so 32'' full length. I like it a lot. It will serve me well. :-) You can't go wrong with the Beatles.

Funny

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea".

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

One of my biggest peeves

I think one of the most annoying things to me besides messing up grammar, spelling, and punctuation, is when someone walks right behind you. They aren't following you, and they probably don't know that it annoys the hell out of me, but there's just something about when I'm by myself, or just walking, that when someone is walking behind me, and I can hear them, it's really disturbing. They don't have to be really close to bother me, but noticably behind me. This might be the weirdest peeve ever, but it makes me either walk faster so that I don't notice, or I'm just tempted to turn around, shove them to the ground and scream obscenities at them and run off.

That's one of my biggest peeves for some reason. I don't know if it's because it makes me feel clostrophobic, or if it just makes me feel like i'm being followed, but it bugs me to no end.

Don't walk too close behind me. I might just kick your ass.

Beside me is fine. In front is ok too. Have a nice day.

Driving in the city = Nightmare

Why is it that every single time I have to drive through the city I get lost somehow? I think I'm cursed. I don't know. You see a sign for the right street, but it kind of only hints at where you're going. When you stop seeing the signs for a while, you think something's wrong and turn a different way when you were on the right road the entire time.

They seriously need to be more clear with all that stuff. Or maybe I just need one of those built in computers for my car so that it just tells me where to go. I'd end up getting the one that screamed at me saying, "well, you're just screwed now. I can't help you." lol

I just don't know where I go wrong in the city. I'll see the right road, turn on it, and end up in some crappy part of the town where people try to get into my car and force drugs into my system. Just kidding. But I usually do end up in a crappy part of town, and once I had a prostitute try to get into my car with me. I ran a red light just to avoid that situation. Good thing my doors were locked. Sheesh.

I hate driving in the city. Maybe I'll figure it out one of these days...

For now I'm cursed.

Bold as...?? (Poem)

It's all in you now; it's in me too, I should say...
It's creeping in softly - softly, silently, stay.
All we try for is now! not later, and not before.
We work for the habit, a product, a score.
In doing so swiftly, keep finding a catch:
Procuring the secrets; the itches we scratch.
Hidden problems and questions we put on a list.
They all bite their tongues, while we clench our fists.
In doing so kindly, just cover the flaws:
Bottle up all the lies and hide them in walls
like they'll never be seen - like they don't have enough ears!
Eat your hefty portion of triumph, and we'll all drink to our tears.
Fate, be it the destination, is always in the way.
Life follows through, regardless, with the words we can and can't say.
Love is the bitter sweet reminder that nothing ever lasts:
We kill for moments gone, and always live in the past.
To death: I commend you, you never let anyone down.
The one thing we can all count on: losing life's crown.
The world is the embodiment of perfection lost to grace.
Tomorrows just a question mark: a head without a face.

Simple Pleasures

I am a girl of simple pleasures. Here are a few of them:

1. Text messages
2. Rainy days
3. Good conversation
4. Sneezing
5. Good friends that you know you can rely on no matter what
6. Laughing out loud
7. Being right
8. Learning something new
9. Being comfortable with myself
10. When you know someone is thinking about you
11. Surprises
12. Random presents (giving/receiving - im not a taker but i like randomness)
13. Not worrying about money. And then finding $10.00 on the ground.
14. Good bands
15. Good music
16. Making fun of gay bands like Hinder
17. Concerts
18. Good hair days
19. The boardwalk
20. Sunrises/sunsets
21. Almond Joys
22. No work on a Saturday night
23. Laughing at myself
24. Inside jokes
25. Irony
26. Painting
27. Waking up to a text message
28. When jeans fit perfectly
29. The one day of the week where everything is right in the world
30. Not being involved in politics/not really caring about them. It's a weight i don't really like on my shoulders. I'll keep up, i'll be informed, but I don't want to get into a heated debate with you on them. The government may run the world, but they don't run my life.
31. Walking barefoot on the beach
32. Midnight strolls on the beach
33. Pretty much anything on the beach ;-)
34. Star gazing
35. New shoes
36. New jewelry
37. New friends
38. Sunglasses on sunny days
39. Convertibles and blaring stereos
40. Staying out all night and crashing all day
41. Parties
42. Good dreams
43. Shopping
44. Compliments
45. When a stranger smiles at you - not in a creepy way, in a polite way
46. Purses
47. The smell of vanilla
48. The smell of flowers
49. Cologne
50. Midnight phone conversations
51. Playing the piano
52. The smell of laundry fresh from the dryer
53. Organizing my CD collection, buying like 10 more the next day and having to re-do the whole thing.
54. Taking pictures
55. Smiling
56. A good hug - the kind that means something. Either the "I missed you so much" hug, or the "I want you close to me" hug, or the "I dont want to leave/goodbye" hug or the "It's been forever and a day" hug. Other than that, there's no point. Greeting is courteous, but it's not a "good-hug"
57. Long goodbyes
58. Snow
59. Winter
60. Christmas
61. Hanging out doing nothing
62. Long car rides - with good company and good music
63. Cricket's churping
64. Clean cut grass
65. Sitting on rooftops
66. Skylines
67. Plans for the weekend
68. Going to the movies
69. Watching a good movie you've seen a million times
70. Sundresses and flip flops
71. Cream soda
72. Those songs that get stuck in your head for hours. - the good ones. not the annoying ones.
73. Board games - but you aren't bored. haha
74. Long naps
75. Long showers
76. Good food
77. Chicken
78. Quoting funny movies/comedians - not to where it's annoying but it's just enough to keep good conversation
79. Stealing glances
80. Winning an argument - rare for me.
81. Making up after an argument
82. Sincere apologies
83. Dancing in the rain
84. Being out in the rain in general
85. Falling asleep to the sound of rain. - i like rain.
86. Honesty
87. Dancing when no one else is around
88. Silly arguments
89. Winding roads
90. Driving without a destination
91. Running into someone you havent seen in forever
92. Perfect strangers
93. Polite people
94. M&Ms - plain ones
95. Considering the future
96. Being genuinely happy with myself
97. Accomplishing something
98. Sewing
99. Being good at a lot of things - im not being arrogant on this one, i just like being able to do a lot. it always means i have something to do. haha
100. Thinking about all the things that make me happy and smiling just considering each one. Like this. :-)

Flashback: Number 1

I remember I always hated to sleep alone. I would sneak downstairs into my parent's room and I was pretty small when I was little, so I fit at the very bottom of their bed really easily. They wouldn't stir, or wake up or anything. But I would just lay there at their feet. Not all that comfortable, as I recall, but very comforting.

I remember learning to play the piano. I hated getting lessons. Each day that I'd go to Miss. Sarah's house to practice was a dread. I hated the method. The fingerings. The structure. I wanted to do it my own way. The problem with me was that I played by ear. So I heard things, and I could play them. I didn't want to see it in front of me. I just wanted to hear it. I was no prodogy or anything, but I was decent. I'm decent now. No expert, just good at playing what I hear.

I remember always being pretty logical in some of the crazy things I did when I was a kid. I used to eat bugs. Mainly ants. But I had a very specific reasoning behind doing so. The way I saw it was that people were born with a specific amount of blood in their bodies. You lose blood, you die a little. That's how I thought you died was when you ran out of blood. Being the sprite of a kid I was, I got cut and bruised a lot playing outside. So I thought I was dying faster than I should be because I was losing blood from all those cuts and bruises. My deduction from there was that if I got a source outside of my own body (bugs) for blood, I might live longer. Therefore, I ate bugs. I guess it makes a lot more sense of a 5 year old, but maybe I was just weird. I never ate worms or spiders or anything. Gross.

I also remember not being able to graspt the concept of gravity. I thought if you got on a trampoline, and you jumped on it too high, you'd get thrown out into outer space. I was scared of trampolines for a while, needless to say. I also thought that all the people on the other side of the world had their hair sticking up all day. I didn't know why things didn't float out of people's purses or why people didn't just fall off of the world. That's pretty understandable for a kid though.

I remember learning about Santa Claus and not having a fireplace. I kept asking if we should send Santa a key to our house so that he could just unlock the front door without bothering anyone. When they said he already had one, I told them that we should leave the door unlocket, just in case.

I also remember when I found out that Santa was fake. I stayed up all night to see if he really came at night. He never did. And there wasn't anything under the tree. So when I gave up and I was about to retreat to my room, I saw my parents coming from the basement with the presents and realized it was them the whole time. I wasn't bummed about it to my recollection, but I felt tricked about it.

When I was in the 4th grade I decided to see what my cat would do if I put it on a floatie in the middle of our pool. I found out that cats don't like water, and that parent's dont like it when you experiment with the family pets.

In the 2nd grade I was proposed to by Joey Tucker (my "first love.'). He wrote it on an index card and handed it to me. The card he wrote before that asked if I liked Elvis Presley. I still have both index cards, as well as verious other presents that Joey gave me. We broke up in the 3rd grade. lol He actually got in touch with me on myspace. He's now a rapper. i found that to be pretty funny.

I was always the kid who was left behind or lost wherever we went on vacation, or at the mall, or at the grocery store. It really didn't matter where we were, i would find some way to just get lost. One one particular vacation, my family left me on an elevator. I specifically remember this instant in my mind. I was in the back of the elevator and when my family scrambled to get off, the doors were closing, so I stepped back to let them. I wasn't about to get squished in between them. So here I was in the elevator. Alone. Just standing there. It goes up and down for a while. Random people talk to me, and ask me what I'm doing there by myself. I shrug my shoulders countless times until someone finally comes back for me.

Another thing I remember about silly things that I thought involved escalators. Those things scared me to death. I thought that if you didn't step off quick enough, or jump off of it, you'd get sucked under where those green lights are. If you didn't life up your feet, it would pull you in and you'd be trapped in some alternate dimension.

That'll be all for now. If I come up with more I'll put it on a different blog.


I'm such a clown!

Demitri Martin: Episode 1

My favorite comedian ever:

English Literature

I'm currently in my second semester at Villa Julie. So far, my classes aren't too challenging. They're hard and time consuming, but nothing is making me say, "oh wow I didn't know that." or "that's extremely interesting." or "I'll definitely have to remember that." you know?

Among my regular core classes for the Business communications major curriculum, I'm taking English Literature. The teacher is, for lack of a better word, an idiot. She can't spell, she fails to pronounce specific vowels and consonances when saying words like "fRustrated" - note the capitalized "R." She teaches basic concepts that all of the students should obviously already know. Metaphors and similes? Come on now...don't spend 20 minutes lecturing the difference between the two when all you could've said was, "you all know the difference between metaphors and similes, right?" I suppose the lack of interest in the question caused all the other students to just kind of sit there like mindless zombies. So I then took it upon myself to answer for the class to say, "Yes. We do." However, my sarcastic and somewhat rude reply may have sparked her desire to have a discussion on both concepts anyway.

She's one of those teachers who makes you want to be bitter and sarcastic. I'm generally very happy to discuss literature. Except that what we're reading, I've already read. So the questions she's asking, I already know. It's like the class should be re-named to, "Re-do High School English from Freshman Year 101." I mean seriously. We all know what symbolism is. We all KNOW (or so I hope) what allusions and foreshadowing is. STOP ASKING! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

I can only imagine what other people are saying about the course...Although, I did get the chance to revise a students paper during the course for an essay we had to write. The punctuation, grammar, and spelling was terrible. I'm still not even sure if she even had a point to the whole thing. The teacher told us not to be "too harsh" but when you're correcting basics, where do you draw the line? This is all stuff she should have known by now! I don't know how the college accepted her with all the essays we had to write for the application. Maybe she didn't write them. I don't know... But I tore this thing apart. Red marks everywhere.

I'm telling you...I could NEVER be an English teacher. I'd be a really good one, because I'd probably get to the heart of everything we did, but I would expect too much and scold all those 5th graders for spelling onomatopoea wrong. "For goodness sakes Jimmy! Go sit in the corner!"

Yeah...that would not be pretty.

Anyway... my English Lit class definitely has the potential for being an excellent class. Don't get me wrong either. The teacher isn't totally off base with everything. It's always little things that I just make explode into huge problems when it comes to English. She's very organized and constructed with everything, so there is method to the madness... But it's the madness that I do not like. I'm debating whether she's actually supposed to be our teacher.

It reminds me of Harry Potter actually. Our "real" teacher is tied up at the bottom of some chest in our current teachers quarters, while to maintain the looks of the real teacher, she has to drink polyjuice potion every so often. Maybe that's why she has spasms in the middle of class...

Who knows...

I'll stick it out, but right now, I'm not all that thrilled about my first class being cancelled for snow and still having to go to that one. Plus, she always keeps us kind of late and right after that I have a class 20 minutes later at the other campus. It takes me 15 minutes to get there. If she keeps us 5 minutes late, I'm there split-second on time. And that's if there's NO traffic! You do the math... Maybe i'll just start getting up and leaving as soon as the class is "supposed" to be over. Ha

Oscars

I think Ellen said it all when she said, "If it weren't for blacks, jews, and gays, there would be no Oscars."

Enough said.

Snow

I love snow. I feel like winter is pretty pointless without snow. Or rather, being "cold" isn't worth the feeling unless there's snow on the ground.

Right now it's snowing pretty hard out, and I can pretty well determine that I won't have school tomorrow. :-D

So I'm in a happy mood. I love snow. Its cold, but I like it. I'll take a ton of pictures when it stops.

Lets have a snowball fight you and I. Yes, that is a challenge.

Bag Daddy!

After recently ordering a bag from this company through a family member who represented them, I found that Bag Daddy was a major hit with my friends, co-workers, and pupils at college. I therefore decided to do it myself.

So I should soon have all the equipment to sell them to people, and put in orders for them, as well as make some cash on the side. Which is never a bad thing.

I'm really excited about it, so get in touch if you'd be interested in ordering one!

You choose the fabrics, the style, the size, the colors, everything!

Here are a few examples:

sigh...

Basically every single day this week, I've been making plans, and having to break them, or it's not convenient, or it just doesn't work out. It's really bumming me out though... I know that it's not on purpose, obviously, but it definitely has not been my week for making plans with other people.

Between me cancelling on other people, other people cancelling on me, my cell phone being retarded, and miscommunications, this week has been a total drag.

It's not my or the other people's fault, but it just makes for a really sucky week.

Hopefully this week will be better.


Sincerely bummed out,

Abby

Work

Retail is hell.

That is all.

ASDs

ASD - an acronym for "Anti-Social Decives" i.e. ipods, mp3 players, etc.

I personally love my ipod. Whenever you're in a really uncomfortable situation in which you'd rather jsut keep to yourself or not be bothered, the perfectly non-aggressive way to say so it so plug a set of ear phones in your head and look impartial to everything and everyone around you. This method generally works. It says, "I don't know you, and I don't want to." However, you'll get the occasional over-ambitious stranger who taps you on the shoulder and politely asks, "Hey! Whatcha listenin to?" The convenience of ipods is that you have a nice clear screen that displays the track name, the artist, and the album. It's therefore perfectly acceptable at this point to just lift the device from your pocket and reveal the screen to their curious eye. They may come back with, "Oh! Good choice!" or possibly "Not a fan," to which you reply with a nod and possibly a feined smile. Or you just pretend the music was too loud for you to understand what they said.

Another thing about ipods is that when you don't want to bother anyone but you want to be in the mix and mood with music streaming through your ears, to which you very emotionally connect to and feel pulsating into the core of your soul (... well, maybe that's just me... ), you just sit in your room, stare at the ceiling (mine is covered in glow in the dark stars that have been there for 3 years now), and zone out or just get lost in thought. It's almost Zen or something.

Ipods are amazing. Mine has 4,000 songs on it and it still doesn't seem like enough to me. Haha

So whether you're pretending to ignore the world, zoning out, thinking, or just enjoying yourself, ASDs are definitely one of the greatest inventions ever.

Worst Case Scenario

This sounds really bad, but wherever I am, whatever situation I'm in, I'm always thinking about things in worst case scenario. If I'm driving on the highway, I'll imagine the semi next to me catching fire or flipping over on top of me, or coming into my lane. Or I'll imagine a car coming from the other side and hitting me head on and smashing through the front windshield. I consider every minute detail too: the ambulances, the traffic problems, the way people would find out about it, a crime scene investigation where they have to identify me by a single finger that they find on the site...

Maybe I watch too much TV or something. Who knows.

But it's with other people too. Not just me. Someone doesn't call when they say they're going to, or they aren't home when they say they're going to be home, or something like that. I don't know. I never want "logical excuses" - I hear those all the time. So I guess my "wild imagination" just likes to toy with me sometimes, and sometimes it really has me worried about things.

So just know that any time you don't call when you say you will, or you're really late to something you said you'd be on time to, just know that I think you've been captured by mad scientists who are now testing to see whether or not red bull really does give you wings if you've consumed enough of it.

Habits and the Brain

Habits: An arboreal species that may descend from trees to bask and move over the ground or even swim across a stream in pursuit of its prey. It is beautifully camouflaged, can move swiftly if disturbed, and has stereoscopic vision. If provoked the boomslang will inflate the neck region to more than twice the normal size....

Me: No no no, not "habits" - a "Habit"
Google: Oh, why didn't you say so?

Habit: an established custom; "it was their habit to dine at 7 every evening", a pattern of behavior acquired through frequent repetition; "she had a habit twirling the ends of her hair"; "long use had hardened him to it", a distinctive attire (as the costume of a religious order), put a habit on, substance abuse.

Hm... I have a lot of habits. No, not the species. The thing. Tons of them. I pull at my hair, bite my lip til it bleeds, bite fingernails, scratch my ears (yeah that ones weird), and a ton of others I wont get into for the embarassment of them. Well, I guess they aren't so bad...but I'd rather not talk about them. I kind of feel shame in a lot of them too. I'll find myself doing one of them and be like, "wow what am I doing? This is incredibly stupid of me."

So...why don't I just stop all together?

You know why? Because they're nervous habits. I'm a nervous person. Therefore, I act in many of them to distract my brain from being so scattered and anxious. Why so scatter brained? I don't know...ask the brain. It knows more than me.

I do find it kind of like a paradox that there are things in my brain that I don't usually think about. Things I know that I just never really get to. Kind of like when you have an epiphany and suddenly things are just that much clearer.

So I don't really know... or do I?

Nervous habits can be pretty destructive. In my case they're just kind of disturbing. Haha not really... but they kind of make me wonder about my mental health sometimes, which kind of reassures me that I'm sane. If I'm conscious of my mental and physical health, there's no way I'm crazy. lol

That said I think I should try to work on the whole nervous habit thing.

"Breaking Nervous Habits for Dummies" - there's probably one out there. I'll look it up.

Today I...

...went for a run.

It was pretty nice. A little chilly, but nice.

While on my run, I learned two very valuable lessons:

1) If you turn the music up too loud, you can't hear cars coming. And you end up with a headache.

2) Running through ice is never a good idea.

Therapy session Number 2: Goals

I have a lot of doubts when it comes to the future. The world as we know it will eventually be run by rich morons. Oh wait..it's like that now, isn't it? Well anyway, the future is pretty intimidating. Scary. Uncontrollable.

Basically anything that is "unknown" to me kind of intimidates me. Like men, for instance. I would try to come up with some witty comparisson between the future as we know it and men, but I don't feel like it right now. Maybe later. (hopefully you caught the irony in that)

Anyway, the future. To deal with the questions I have for the future, I make goals for myself for "now" that could hopefully brighten the future. Here's a short list that I have going right now:

1) Exercise daily
2) Drink more water
3) Read something every day (stimulating - i.e. novels, articles, newspapers, etc.)
4) Get straight A's
5) Stop all the nervous habits
6) Write more

And then just to make all the other goals more efficient for me to complete, I throw in other random ones that I probably couldn't ever do:

7) Solve world hunger - so far my answer to this one is "rice"
8) Take off the "H' and the "D" to make it say "ollywoo"
9) Destroy France

There's something about having a set list of goals and thingsto follow through on that make you feel a lot better about yourself and how you're going to "turn your life around." I don't do the whole "new years resolution" thing - that's just setting yourself up for disaster. But when out of nowhere I decide, "you know what? I'm gonna do this," it's so much more exhilarating.

Hopefully I'll get through this list. Ones I've made in the past usually end up thrown away or forgotten about.

Who knows. I can see the headline now: "FRANCE SUDDENLY BURST INTO FLAMES AND NO ONE CARES."

Therapy session Number 1: Bad Habits

There have been particular instances in my life where my parents felt the need to offer some kind of therapy or counselling sessions to influence the healing of my mental health. I'm not crazy. Just a little unstable I suppose. As any considerate or concerned parent would be, I understood their fear for me, as well as my potential need for professional help. However, I really didn't like the idea that they felt that they couldn't just talk to me about it themselves. It was like they needed to put it out of their hands and into someone elses. I almost felt like they thought the weight of my actions was too great for them to handle as my parents. I even felt a bit ex-communicated in a way in that they weren't up to dealing with my problems. I know that a lot of things have changed from the problems that I've had when I was younger to the problems that I'm having now: When you're five years old, and you can't pick something up, or can't move something over, they push it for you or lift it for you. When you fall off your bike, they bandage the wounds and kiss your forehead and "everything's all better." When you drop a fork from your hi-chair, they bend to pick it up for you. When you don't have enough money to but the concert ticket your friend invited you to (New Kids on the Block), they lend you some money.

But these days... it's different. You struggle in school, they harp on you about scholarship money and suggest you get a tutor. You get into a car accident and insurance money is through the roof. You go over in your checking account and they complain that you spend too much money. You're out 5 minutes past curfew because you had to scrape ice off of your car and when you get in they say you're inconsiderate and irresponsible. I understand the concerns. I understand that money is an issue, and I understand their need to stress things on me... But other times... I feel like my desires to lash out and go against everything in my life is justified. Because everything I do today has been drilled into me. It's all I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes I get curious. I want to be adventurous. See what the fuss is about.

I'm an incredibly curious person. I know the affects of alcohol, saw what it did to people who were under the influence of it, and I know that it's illegal under 21. So why do so many people do it then? I don't know exactly... but I found out for myself. It's not all that fun, but for a person like me it makes it a lot easier for me to open up to people. For that, I'm more or less thankful for that experience. I wouldn't ever abuse albohol, drink by myself, drink when I'm depressed, or drink on a regular basis. I don't think I would ever consider getting drunk again either. It's not as much fun as just being able to loosen up around people and socialize. Granted, I could do that without the substance, but I almost feel like it forces me to be social. I'm the kind of person who restricts myself into thinking that what I have to say isn't interesting enough to put out there. I'm not the kind of person to, at a social gathering, go up and introduce myself, or engage in conversation if I don't know someone. I'm reserved, quiet, anti-social, and to be honest, overly-conscious. I do know that that's my own fault. I know that I shoudl learn to just loosen up on my own and just side table any doubts and fears that I have about being open. Alcohol just sped up the process I guess... I know the affects, the dangers, the consequences, I guess it was just one of those things that I just needed to learn on my own. And now I can say from personal experience that getting drunk really isn't worth the trouble at all.

Back to my original thought: therapy. I'm only human. I was a little curious. Daring. Everyone does that, or atleast thinks about it. My actions were wrong, and deceitful. I know this. So why do it? Why do something you KNOW is wrong? Why would anyone do something they KNOW is wrong? That...I'm not really sure. I almost felt posessed doing it too, because I remember thinking constantly, over and over again, "Abby, what are you doing? This isn't right. This isn't YOU." Why kill the angel on my shoulder and listen to the dark side? I'm not entirely sure really...

But as much as counselling might help, I've already said, and understand, that I was wrong. I understand the stresses of the situation. I'm sorry.

There have been a lot of points in my life where I really felt that something was just..,missing. Some part of my life is just incomplete. Im only 18, but there are a lot of things I feel unchallenged in, uncompelled, and lacking to some degree.

So I felt pretty restricted before all of these issues came into play, but now I think the trust aspect is down the toilet. I'm closed in...or feel like I am. I almost feel like I'm on lock down or something. It's not that extreme. There's no specific punishment into affect, but I can't go out without signing some kind of contract anymore. That was sarcasm. I understand it though. I'm not an idiot. I know that the responsibilities parents have are endless. They're always having to worry about things. So do I.

It's funny though: I have one friend that doesn't drink. One. I applaud him, but we never really get the chance to hang out much these days... I hate being busy. I hate when other people are busy.

Enough about this though. Time's up and I don't feel like spending more time on this writing session. It's already too darn expensive.

College?

I'm a freshman at Villa Julie college. Its a private college: pristine, nice campus, generally nice teachers, nice people, but when you sum all the nices up, it equals another opportunity to spend your nice savings on some nice textbooks to learn nice things that ultimately mean that I earned a nice degree in a nice field where I can do nice things with my time. Not so nice really. I feel like they sugar-coat everything with the "nice" to make you think it's worth all your sweet time.

In all honesty, college is paying thousands of dollars to earn a stupid piece of paper that says you can get a job in the "real world." However, this "real world" is always changing. There are so many things that people can do these days. And sometimes, it doesn't take that "stupid piece of paper" to get you there. For every career out there there's a college willing to convince you that it's where you should go to get the "best education." I do think that education is important, but I feel like I'm wasting time if a teacher just has me read a chapter a day and tests me on it at the end of the week. What am I learning here? Concepts or study habits?

I know that in time the classes will become more dynamic, more enriching, and more fullfilling for the career choice that I'm aiming for, but right now it's all so bland. And one thing that I really don't understand is how one curiicullum for every business major applies to the things that they should all be learning.

I'm probably being too critical right now, but I feel like this is all a ski trip or something. We're all at the bottom of the ski lift and they spend a year telling us about how to sit on the lift when what we should be learning is how to ski. The only way to learn is to do it! Don't tell me about the properties of snow. I know that already. Teach me the fun part. I dont want the basics. If that means I fall face first into the snow, so be it.

I'm pretty impatient with all this. Can't you tell????

I guess being anxious about the future and knowing what I want to do doesn't help much. I just want them to tell me how to do it, and where to start. I don't want to learn the ins and outs of microsoft word, and how the roles that individuals play in society help to shape the environment. That's not helping me.

I'll give it some time, and I'll wait it out. Because I do know that in the long run this helps...somehow. I'm just not seeing it in my big picture right now.

Who knows.

Good Albums

In order by Artist:

1) A New Found Glory - Coming Home
2) Alien Ant Farm - Anthology
3) The Ataris - Welcome the night
4) The Beatles - Abbey Road
5) Blackpool Lights - This Town's Disaster
6) Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me
7) Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
8) Day at the Fair - the Rocking Chair Years
9) Duncan Sheik - Daylight
10) Elliott Smith - Figure 8
11) Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
12) The format - Dog Problems
13) Funeral for a Friend - Hours
14) The Get Up Kids - Guilt Show
15) The Gin Blossoms - Congratulations I'm Sorry
16) Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute
17) The Gloria Record - A Lull in Traffic
18) Heatmiser - Cop and Speeder
19) Hot Rod Circuit - Reality's coming Through
20) John Mayer - Continuum
21) The Juliana Theory - Emotion is Dead
22) Mineral - The power of failing
23) Moneen - The Red Tree
24) The myriad - You Can't Trust a Ladder
25) The New Amsterdams - Story like a scar
26) Relient K - Mmhmm
27) Rocky Votolato - Burning My Travels Clean
28) Ruth Ruth - Laughing Gallery
29) Samiam - Whatever's Got You Down
30) Saves the Day - Through Being Cool
31) Say Anything - ...Is a Real boy
32) The Shins - Oh, Inverted World
33) Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
34) The Starting Line - Based on a True Story
35) Straylight Run - Self-titled
36) Sugarcult - Lights Out
37) Taking Back Sunday - Louder Now
38) Third Eye Blind - Self-titled
39) The Track Record - The Coolest Kind of Crazy

I'm sure there are a ton of others I could recommend, but this list is pretty good for now in my opinion.

Welcome the Night

Yesterday one of my favorite band's albums came out: Welcome the Night. It's the newest release from the band The Ataris. Having been to one of their concerts, I would have to say that they are definitely one of the greatest bands I've ever listened to, or seen.

The album actually leaked onto the internet a few months before it came out. Needless to say, I had the album before It was released. The first version that I owned was in a different order, and it was missing two of the songs that are now on the record. But that took nothing from the actual quality of the album itself. Wasn't flawless, but it was nearing perfection with every listen.

I strongly recommend that you buy this album. It's pretty amazing.

Currently, I'm painting a mural in my room which consists of all of the album artwork from their previous and current albums. It's pretty amazing. I'll have to post some pictures of it one of these days.

until then...

Welcome the Night

Life and living

I've accepted the idea completely that I'm not living my life for myself. We live for the people around us, our family, our friends, maybe just for the sake of being where we are. But it's never really "all about you" is it? If it were, there wouldn't be any laws, everyone would argue all the time, no one would get along ever (not that everyone does now), and the world would be utter chaos. Life is about choices. Okay we all know that. But when you think about it, there are so many different ways life could be going right now. There are a million possibilities and a million different outcomes. I just hate to think that any one possibility would be completely down the drain just based on the color socks i'm wearing, or the way I parted my hair any particular day.

The more I think like this, the more I feel like I should just get out and do things. See what happens. Like right now: I'm sitting at a desk, staring at a screen, constructing thoughts into phrases like they matter at all. Do they really? In the long run, probably not... So why do I do it then? Closure? I don't know... Anyway, I feel like life should be more about impulse. More about action. Less about droning days, and countless hours wasted on tedious tasks like homework. Don't get me wrong. I know that education is fundamentally important, and there's almost no way to get a job without a degree these days. But is that really what everyone has to live for? Getting a job that pays you enough to live each day? Basically, yes. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone decided to take a year off. Two years. Just do something stupid. Crazy. Out there.

What if I decided that to save money, I'm going to be homeless for a while. I don't know, I think crazy things sometimes.

My life is just starting. I'm 18, I've got everything ahead of me. I have a lot going for me too: I have a good job, a great family, amazing friends, and I have good times. So why the hell am I complaining?

In my opinion, I'm not complaining persay. I'm more or less considering the options that I have for the future and wondering whether or not the direction that my life is going now will be worth the future outcomes.

Family life: i love my family. I love kids. I love my cousins, and generally, I have the patience to deal with kids. But do I personally want a family? The idea is nice. Raise them well, give them a good home, things to look forward to in life, but what it comes down to is that I'm selfish. I don't know if I'm a selfless enough person to be able to deal with or raise children of my own. I am getting a little ahead of myself here, but it's definitely something that I think everyone at least considers by my age. Or atleast thinks about. I don't know... I guess it would depend either way. This is all beside the point im trying to make.

Being a Christian, I was raised to believe that God had a devine and intricate plan for everyone's life. There's some higher calling that each and every one of us is to fulfill. What about all the people who don't know that? What about the ones who don't care? I know somehow or other what they do, or don't do will ultimately contribute to the good of all, and "the plan" but what if the plan I'm living isn't the one I need to have? This is all pretty complicated, and I think about it a lot too. I look at my parents and wonder whether or not they ever second guess the lives they are living. What if they're supposed to be in another state right now? I don't know...stuff like that. Do they think even for a second thta this, here, now, isn't right?

When I consider all that I have in my life, I do think that I am really blessed in everything. But I have doubts. That's only human. I have questions that I can't answer, and don't think I can really get answers to. I guess that's just life though.