Life and living

I've accepted the idea completely that I'm not living my life for myself. We live for the people around us, our family, our friends, maybe just for the sake of being where we are. But it's never really "all about you" is it? If it were, there wouldn't be any laws, everyone would argue all the time, no one would get along ever (not that everyone does now), and the world would be utter chaos. Life is about choices. Okay we all know that. But when you think about it, there are so many different ways life could be going right now. There are a million possibilities and a million different outcomes. I just hate to think that any one possibility would be completely down the drain just based on the color socks i'm wearing, or the way I parted my hair any particular day.

The more I think like this, the more I feel like I should just get out and do things. See what happens. Like right now: I'm sitting at a desk, staring at a screen, constructing thoughts into phrases like they matter at all. Do they really? In the long run, probably not... So why do I do it then? Closure? I don't know... Anyway, I feel like life should be more about impulse. More about action. Less about droning days, and countless hours wasted on tedious tasks like homework. Don't get me wrong. I know that education is fundamentally important, and there's almost no way to get a job without a degree these days. But is that really what everyone has to live for? Getting a job that pays you enough to live each day? Basically, yes. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone decided to take a year off. Two years. Just do something stupid. Crazy. Out there.

What if I decided that to save money, I'm going to be homeless for a while. I don't know, I think crazy things sometimes.

My life is just starting. I'm 18, I've got everything ahead of me. I have a lot going for me too: I have a good job, a great family, amazing friends, and I have good times. So why the hell am I complaining?

In my opinion, I'm not complaining persay. I'm more or less considering the options that I have for the future and wondering whether or not the direction that my life is going now will be worth the future outcomes.

Family life: i love my family. I love kids. I love my cousins, and generally, I have the patience to deal with kids. But do I personally want a family? The idea is nice. Raise them well, give them a good home, things to look forward to in life, but what it comes down to is that I'm selfish. I don't know if I'm a selfless enough person to be able to deal with or raise children of my own. I am getting a little ahead of myself here, but it's definitely something that I think everyone at least considers by my age. Or atleast thinks about. I don't know... I guess it would depend either way. This is all beside the point im trying to make.

Being a Christian, I was raised to believe that God had a devine and intricate plan for everyone's life. There's some higher calling that each and every one of us is to fulfill. What about all the people who don't know that? What about the ones who don't care? I know somehow or other what they do, or don't do will ultimately contribute to the good of all, and "the plan" but what if the plan I'm living isn't the one I need to have? This is all pretty complicated, and I think about it a lot too. I look at my parents and wonder whether or not they ever second guess the lives they are living. What if they're supposed to be in another state right now? I don't know...stuff like that. Do they think even for a second thta this, here, now, isn't right?

When I consider all that I have in my life, I do think that I am really blessed in everything. But I have doubts. That's only human. I have questions that I can't answer, and don't think I can really get answers to. I guess that's just life though.